I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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