he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
