hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
