with your own penis?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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