happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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