i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
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