Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize