First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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