Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
