chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
