So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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