His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
