Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
