so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
