Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
