Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
