There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
