i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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