They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize