I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize