he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
