I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
