Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
