I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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