these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
this will be a night to untag.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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