I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Randomize
