You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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