Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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