Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
