I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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