chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just found a bag of teeth...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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