Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
