I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
