Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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