Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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