Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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