I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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