I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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