My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
