my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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