I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
