dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
