OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
