I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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