apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
