just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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