I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
