i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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