My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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