Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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