I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
