Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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