that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
