Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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