i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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