Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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