You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
