Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
