just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Randomize