the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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