Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
