I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
