I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
