i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
did i just pee glitter
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