so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
