I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
and she was petting her beer can
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
