I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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