I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
