i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
